nANIMOv

I used to think that there is a time and place for anger; that if used properly it can be a powerful rhetorical tool. The more I see it used, the less I believe that to be true. Anger almost never (I say ‘almost’ because only a Sith deals in absolutes) has a place in a strong argument. If you want someone to see things from your perspective, getting angry severely limits their ability to do so unless they also feel the same anger, at which point you have likely entered an echo chamber. I feel like anger is often mistaken for passion. Just because someone says something loudly and has a target for their ire doesn’t mean that what they have to say is meaningful or well thought-out. On the other hand, you can say something extremely intelligent and well thought-out, but if sad loudly and in anger you may not reach the people who need to hear you most.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t feel anger or that feeling anger is bad. Anger is a very real emotion and should be acknowledged. We can’t help when we feel it and sometimes we let it control our actions and our words, but I think it’s important that when we do get angry that we can identify what we’re angry with, why we’re angry with it, and what we plan to do about it. That last bit being the most important and also maybe the hardest to determine.

Thoughts?

It’s interesting how much better my body feels when I am not constantly eating copious amounts of meat. My face is clearer, poops are more satisfying, and my tummy is happy. I would stop eating meat entirely if it just didn’t taste so damn good. There are some vegetarian and vegan restaurants out there that have made me think that if all restaurants made plants and stuff taste that good I could easily make the switch, but there are also some that have nearly turned me off completely to the idea of vegetarianism. When I go to new (non-veg) restaurants there are always so many things that I want to try, most of which have meat, and also if I don’t get something with meat in it I feel like I’m wasting my restaurant trip. So for now I’m sticking with reduced meat intake. For those of you out there who are vegetarian or vegan, how did you get started and what keeps you going?

I’ve been having good conversations with Mom recently. We’ve been talking about topics that I once thought were awkward or taboo (and perhaps they were at one point). One of those topics being faith and religion. I grew up Catholic and I consider my Catholic upbringing a huge part of my identity and I attribute my orientation towards compassion and service largely to that upbringing. At one point I was very much involved in the happenings of the church and I was very serious about my faith. Now, not so much.

Yesterday, as we were getting lunch, she asked me, “Have you lost faith?” While I was surprised at the setting during which she asked the question I wasn’t surprised at the question itself. I’m not here to write about the when, why, and how of my beliefs (maybe another time, or reach out to me and let’s talk), but just that we got into a lengthy conversation about faith, religion, morality, etc. This type of talk would have been so uncomfortable 5+ years ago, but now it just felt natural.

I love and appreciate you Mom and I’m glad that we can have open conversations like this.

 

Sometimes in pool when there’s no obvious next move, your next move is just to set yourself up for the next next move. But I’m not the best at pool.

I’m feeling pretty energized by my work with Doctors Without Walls. Today at the clinic we had a couple new volunteers shadowing. I remember being in their shoes over a year ago. In my time with DWW I’ve learned so much and I enjoy being able to share some of that with the next generation of volunteers. That in addition to some pretty good success with a few clients, has me feeling good and I want to try to maintain that energy for the future and whatever comes next.

I’m going to dive a lil’ deeper into how I’m feeling right now.

I’ve never been a super anxious person. Not in school, not in social setting, etc. Sometimes I feel like that has had some negative consequences. I never felt like I the my world would end if things didn’t turn out a certain way, and maybe that makes me somewhat less motivated or I don’t want it badly enough. It’s not that I don’t care about the outcome, but rather that experience has taught me to be comfortable with not succeeding the first time, and I should prepare for that and to be able to move on. I try to expect any outcome, even though if I prefer a specific one, but just because I expect the non-best-case-scenarios doesn’t mean it hurts any less when they happen.

It sucks being in limbo, not knowing whether or not in a few months I’ll be embarking on the most significant academic endeavor of my life. It sucks knowing that so many of my peers have at least gotten in somewhere. It sucks thinking my chances at this point are slim. It sucks feeling like I should have done more or that I should have tried to be someone else than myself. It sucks feeling like I’m letting people down.

I can’t control what happens in the next few weeks, but I can control how I respond to it. And should the non-best-case-scenario occur, I’ll do my best to dust myself off, maybe wipe away a couple tears, and keep moving forward.

I like trying to get into new things. Sometimes I stick with them sometimes I don’t, but usually I’ll at least revisit. There was a period of about a month where I was meditating every morning. I would practice focusing and clearing my mind, and by the end it I just felt good. It gave me presence of mind and reduced my anxiety. With all the stuff that’s been occupying my mind recently I feel like it’s time to revisit that practice.

I’m currently making my way through The Gene by Siddhartha Mukherjee. Right now we’re just going through a lot of the history of modern genetics, stuff that I’ve learned in school before, but there something about seeing it in this context of being in one place and in chronological order that makes it really fun to read. Narrative is such a great way to tell stories and to make them memorable, and it’s kinda sad that it’s so taboo in education, especially in the sciences.

What does the snooze button really do? We set alarms earlier than we need to just so we can hit snooze 20 times before we wake up in a panic. All snooze does is help us desensitize ourselves to real urgency.

While I’ve pretty much eliminated snooze from my morning routine, I still use it in other parts of my life. I make reminders for myself for things I want to make a priority, but then I end up putting them off and tell myself I’ll get to it later. Next thing I know it’s been weeks from when I initially put it on my to-do list. Time to wake up.

Social media can be really great for some stuff… but can also be really terrible for a lot of stuff. I have an old high school acquaintance that puts up somewhat politically charged posts online. When I see something that I don’t agree with, I always wonder what makes them think the way they think. I sometimes want to say something or ask, but I feel like the comment section of an Instagram posts isn’t the best place for that type of discussion. It could be an ok place, but it’s not, the culture won’t allow it to be.

It also has me thinking how easy it can be to be misunderstood when you only have so many characters to explain yourself. That combined with how accessible and visible shorter posts are contribute to the toxic and inflammatory environment of social media. What’s the solution? I don’t know. How can we change the culture? A good place to start may be, though it might be a lot to ask, is trying to be a little nicer to each other.