The non-best-case-scenario

I’m going to dive a lil’ deeper into how I’m feeling right now.

I’ve never been a super anxious person. Not in school, not in social setting, etc. Sometimes I feel like that has had some negative consequences. I never felt like I the my world would end if things didn’t turn out a certain way, and maybe that makes me somewhat less motivated or I don’t want it badly enough. It’s not that I don’t care about the outcome, but rather that experience has taught me to be comfortable with not succeeding the first time, and I should prepare for that and to be able to move on. I try to expect any outcome, even though if I prefer a specific one, but just because I expect the non-best-case-scenarios doesn’t mean it hurts any less when they happen.

It sucks being in limbo, not knowing whether or not in a few months I’ll be embarking on the most significant academic endeavor of my life. It sucks knowing that so many of my peers have at least gotten in somewhere. It sucks thinking my chances at this point are slim. It sucks feeling like I should have done more or that I should have tried to be someone else than myself. It sucks feeling like I’m letting people down.

I can’t control what happens in the next few weeks, but I can control how I respond to it. And should the non-best-case-scenario occur, I’ll do my best to dust myself off, maybe wipe away a couple tears, and keep moving forward.

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