Self Narrative

We all have our own self narrative; the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. Who we are. What we stand for. Why we are here. Where we are going. Whether or not that story matches with reality is an important point for introspection. Am I really the person that I tell myself I am, or the person I want to be, or the person I want people to think that I am? If not, why not? How can I move closer to being protagonist of my story? How can I make my story more dynamic?

Currently the character of my story has some pitiful traits and habits despite the loftiness of his aspirations, but if the story started out with our protagonist already able to do everything they set out to do, that wouldn’t be much of story now would it. It’s up to me though to decide where that inflection point is going to be.

Creative Entropy

When people think of entropy, they typically think of it as a measure of “disorder” or “chaos”. But entropy is a bitt more elegant than that as Steve Mould may be able to convince you. I like to think of entropy as more of a statistical phenomenon. There are simply more possible states in which energy/ particles/ etc. are spread out in a given system. When you have a high concentration of energy or when you have an energy differential, then you have movement of energy and interesting things can happen (engines turn, phones light up and buzz, flowers bloom)…..until that differential eventually evens outs.

What if we thought of ideas like energy or gaseous particles? In a confined space those idea particles will merely bounce around aimlessly in their container (i.e. your brain) and only interact with other idea particles that exist within that space. However, as new ideas come into our head from the outside (where there is a relatively high concentration of ideas) they have an opportunity to interact/ react with the existing idea particles.

Most of those reactions will produce worthless products, while a select few will produce valuable ones. How can we increase the likelihood of getting a valuable product? Simple, introduce more numerous and more various idea particles. Alternatively (or additionally) you can change other conditions within the system. For example, you can increase the energy of the system, increasing the rate at which those particles interact; after all, some reactions require a lot of energy behind them before anything noticeable happens.

But ideas aren’t finite. Our body can produce ideas. Like the energy we produce, those ideas are just the metabolized form of something we consumed previously. However, unlike energy, laws of conservation don’t apply to ideas. Once we loose an idea upon the world we don’t lose it ourselves. In this way, ideas are an infinite resource and we all can contribute to a limitless creative entropy, but only if we choose to both open our minds to ideas from the outside and free our own ideas from the confines our own minds.


What’s cool about puzzles is that every time you find the spot where a specific piece uniquely goes, it becomes ever so slightly easier to find the next piece. If we think about it mathematically, for example for a 500 piece puzzle, each time you find a piece, that removes one piece from the pool of possible pieces. So if you took one piece at the start of the puzzle and were to try each piece at random for a specific side on that original piece you would have a 1/499 chance of finding it. Once you do, the chances of finding the next piece for a specific space adjacent to those would be 1/498, and the progress should look something like this graph:

This doesn’t factor in edge and corner pieces or the fact that only certain pieces can go in certain spots based on their shape (for example a piece with protrusions on all 4 sides can’t possibly go next to another piece with 4 protrusions).

To me there’s some comfort in knowing that every time you find the piece of the puzzle it’s only going to get easier from there. And easier, and easier, and easier. Yea it’s gonna be slow going for most of it and along the way you may hit some road bumps or miss some super obvious pieces, or you may rule out the right piece early on because it didn’t look quite like what you were looking for, but each piece, each bit of information brings you closer to the finished product, and the only way forward is to to keep plugging away.


I just finished reading Attending by Ronald Epstein. In this book Dr. Epstein talks a lot about having presence as a physician. Presence here being more than physical, but emotional, intellectual, and “spiritual” as well.

As I’ve mention in a previous post, I received this book from a mentor and friend of mine who I met through Doctors Without Walls. When I started volunteering with the organization, I really knew nothing about street medicine or people experiencing homelessness. As the story goes, after a few weeks I fell in love with the organization and the people I met through it, patients and volunteers a like. For a long time I wondered what it was about those first few clinic days that made such an impression on me and inspired me further to go into medicine. I feel like I always had an idea and this experience is something I have written and talked about numerous times in applications and interviews, but it was always kind of vague. I would talk about how I was inspired by the team of volunteers and was motivated by compassion towards the patients, but this book has given me new language to talk talk about this experience more specifically.

What impressed me most all those years ago was the presence of the volunteers. Working in street medicine, not only benefits from, but in fact requires you to see a patient as a whole person. If you plan to have any level of success in treating someone on the streets, you have to know their whole story; where their from, where they sleep, what they do during the day, who they hangout with, what they know, what they don’t know, how they get around, where they get money, what resources they utilize (or don’t utilize), etc.

One could argue these are all things that should be a requirement for working with any patient, but I think when working in clinics or in specific environments, a lot of these factors can be taken for granted or are deemed socially inappropriate to talk about. And why I think it was hard for me to articulate all of this before is because when my senior volunteers were present with patients, it felt so seamless and natural that it didn’t feel like anything special was happening, which is ultimately what made those interactions so special, it was just a conversation.

This is the exactly presence that I think Dr. Epstein is talking about and that which he proposes we bring into all settings as healthcare providers, as physicians (who are stereotypically lacking in this area, at least in recent history), and just as people.

I feel extremely fortunate to have had such amazing examples of this presence prior to starting medical school, one of whom passed away this past week. So this goes out to you Fr. Jon, a beacon of compassion and a truly unforgettable presence.

Healthy Anxiety

Anxiety is one of those emotions whose connotation is almost exclusively negative. Anxiety is something we try to avoid, and to have anxiety may give off an impression of weakness or mental instability. On two separate occasions today I was presented with the idea of healthy anxiety; once in the meditation app I’ve been using and once in one of my psychiatry lectures. In lecture, healthy anxiety was defined as a normal human emotion which provides important information to make decisions and energy that empowers us to act.

Anxiety contributes to my motivation to get work done. It contributes to me satisfying basic necessities like hunger and thirst. Without any anxiety there would be no drive to do anything. Of course in some cases emotions can be “pathological” if you are experiencing too much or too little to the point where it impairs your “normal” functions (which is why we are learning about it), at which point of course it is worth seeking help.

From a meditation perspective, the goal I think is to be able recognize “negative” emotions like anxiety without judgment, or even with a sense of appreciation. Having some anxiety is not necessarily something to be stressed about, but something to be acknowledged.

This block in neuroscience has been a good reminder that the full range of human emotion serves a purpose, even those which are typically seen as negative (otherwise we probably wouldn’t experience it). This has been an important realization for me, especially recently as I’ve been feeling a little more anxious than normal for different reasons, and being prompted to take note of that anxiety and just let it be in my meditation sessions has been helpful.

The Fastest Way to Board a Plane

There are studies and simulations out there that show that the traditional method by which we usually board a plane, back to front, is not the fastest way. A while ago Mythbusters saw that back-to-front board was even slower than purely random boarding. In their experiment outside-in boarding was even faster, and unassigned seating was the fastest. Of course Mythbusters doesn’t operate under any standards of statistical analysis or verification of results, but intuitively these results make sense. The faster methods allow for parallel boarding; multiple people can be stowing their bags and getting settled simultaneously, whereas back-to-front causes a build up of people waiting for their turn to have access to the overhead bins.

Another more recent study (Popular Mechanics article on the paper) used 4D models and simulations to study other factors involved in plane boarding. Here they found that having “slow-boarders” go first is overall faster than allowing the “fast-boarders” to go first.

All these faster methods seem pretty straightforward and could be easily implemented in an ideal world. What they don’t take into account are individuals’ realities. If you have families travelling together, separating the children from the parents for the sake of a few minutes quicker board time doesn’t make all that much sense. Classifying passengers as slow and fast also seems like it can be potentially insensitive or just come with its own social issues. AND all of this assumes that airlines want more efficient boarding in the first place. Sure they may have costs associated with flight delays and such, but they also sell priority boarding at a premium.

So were the outcomes of these studies every really going to change how airlines operate? Probably not. Does that mean those studies were useless? I don’t think so. But I do think it is good to recognize that just because something is ideal on paper doesn’t mean it could ever work in the real world, and the limiting factor will almost always be the human factor.

Where Are My Feet?

I’m currently reading a book that a received from a mentor and friend of mine just before leaving for medical school; Attending, by Ronald Epstein. This book is all about mindfulness and the practice of medicine. Throughout the book, Epstein talks about different mindsets, attitudes, and practices that he has adopted or that he has seen that can benefit both patients and physicians, many of which involve taking moments to pause for introspection.

One such practice he mentions is in moments of anxiety or frustration, to stop and ask yourself, Where are my feet? And in doing so bringing awareness to your physical connection to the earth (or lack thereof), your surroundings, and the sensations and position of your body. It’s such a simple question that is very simple to answer, and both the question and the answer themselves seem mundane. But the mundanity is the beauty of it. When my mind begins to wander or to spiral, asking myself to bring my attention to my body helps me refocus and reorient my mind.

What I also appreciate about this practice is the metaphorical nature of it. Where are my feet? doesn’t only have to apply to my physical state, it also makes me think about where I am mentally and emotionally. Am I feeling grounded? What is keeping me grounded? Where are my thoughts? How can I get back on my feet?


Meditation is one of the practices that is most associated with being mindful. I find it kind of funny that the goal of meditation is to clear your mind, to be mind-empty. Dumb jokes aside, I think the idea behind mediation, at least from my understand is something that I need to continue to work towards. I need to work on evaluating my thoughts and feelings without judgement. I need to work on improving my focus, but at the same time not get caught up in random thoughts sometimes. Recently I’ve been just letting my mind get away from me every now and then, but I am glad I have people in my life who help keep me grounded.


Recently, I’ve been feeling like I’ve just got a bunch of emotions bottled up inside, but I don’t really have any outlets right now to let them out fully and comfortably. I mean I have this blog, but I can’t exactly be completely candid here. I have friends and family, but some of it isn’t stuff I wanna talk about with them. Given those, conditions I realize that it makes this post just seem like a cry for help or just kinda futile, but it helps a little.

Maybe I’ll take up boxing.