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If you think about it, everything that ever happens, anywhere, at any time, is based on chance. All the interactions going on in our bodies that keep us alive have some component of randomness to them. Yet all of it is extremely reliable, not because we are all constantly winning some type of biological lottery, but because the environment in our body (through years and years of evolution) is set-up to make those interaction more favorable.

So it is in our day to day experience. We can’t necessarily change the rules or guarantee a specific outcome, but we can increase the odds in our favor. Sometimes that means doing a little more research, practicing a little harder, going a little further. Eventually, winning that lottery doesn’t seem so impossible; in fact it becomes the statistically probable outcome (except for the actual lottery, no way to increase your chances on that, sorry).

I finished Stiff the other day. The book, especially the last 2 chapters really make me think about what to do with my (or with anyone’s [not in a murdery type of of way]) body after I die. Organ donation is a given, but what about the rest?

The author Mary Roach went on some pretty interesting journey’s talking to some pretty unique people. She met with the creator of a novel funerary practice of freezing bodies in liquid nitrogen, breaking the frozen bodies down with ultrasound, freeze drying them and then using them to supply nutrients say a young apple tree.

Yes, basically composting of humans. Roach mentions that this idea isn’t exactly new, but this process is, and a efficient, expedient, and pretty dignified (in my opinion) one at that. To some it may sound brutal, impersonal, and perhaps disrespectful, and I now there is a existential and/ or theological conversation to be had here, but how is it worse than traditional burial or cremation.

Naturally decaying bodies aren’t pretty and I imagine burning ones aren’t better.

Cemeteries take up land that could be used for better things and cremation is just a wasteful (in both energy used and energy lost).

The freeze/dry/plant method is quick and clean. Plus the end result is a beautiful tree made from some of the same molecules as your loved one that is a living memorial and could live (and contribute to) several human lifetimes. Something to think about.

Animes are so cheesy. Today I watched the last episode of Demon Slayer (Kimetsu no Yaiba). The main character, Tanjiro, is leaving for a mission with his two comrades after intense training and recovery. While saying his goodbyes, one of the girls (about his age) who helped him train and recover admits to him that she’s a coward for choosing* not to go out on missions (killing demons).

Tanjiro tells her that doesn’t matter and that because of their time together she’s is now  a part of him, and that he is carrying her emotions with him into battle.**

Anime protagonists are (often) so pure and good, even at times to a fault, at least in our eyes. They hold on tightly to their ideals, yet they are open-minded and humble. They aren’t infallible, but they never give up. They are people we wish we could be. And for all their cheesiness, that’s what I love about a lot of animes. It takes things we wish we could do or say or be and puts it to story.

If I said the equivalent what Tanjiro said to someone in person it would probably come of weird and creepy, or worse the person would think I’m coming on to them. But there are a lot of times when I wish I could say cheesy phrases in earnest and not be socially condemned, so anime is a good outlet for that.

And to all the people who I’ve met in my life, no matter how brief or for what reason, you’re a part of me now, and I think that’s pretty cool.

 

*I’m not sure if that’s the case, but based on context it seems that way.

**I’m curious if this is the truest translation

There was a common theme throughout today of indecisiveness. This morning I found a stinkbug in my room and I contemplated at length whether to kill it or catch-and-release it. Both of which had the possibility, I thought, of ending in a pungent mess. When I told my sister about the dilemma she seemed to understand, but before I came to a decision she had already packed the offensive lil guy into a bag of similarly offensive cat poop.

Later we were watching an episode of Avatar, the one where Sokka goes with Zuko to save his dad from the Boiling Rock, and is confronted with the consequences of his own decision-making and lack thereof.

Just moments ago, despite having a several to choose from, I sat for 10 mins deciding what to right about. I feel like I write about my indecisiveness and my thought paralysis often, but this is just another reminder for me that while being intentional and careful is important, actually acting is just as if not more important. One of these days I’ll get it.

I’m reading this book right now titled Stiff by Mary Roach. And no you sickos it’s not about male anatomical structures, you think someone really added it to their Amazon Smile cart just based on the titled, only to be surprised when it arrived a Prime-guaranteed two days later, and it turned out to be about dead bodies… really??? Anyway regardless of how I heard about it and how it came into my possession, it’s quite fascinating and also very funny. Roach is not a scientist or a doctor so she is reacting to all these corpses (that she actively seeks out for the book) in much the same way a normal person would. One of the differences being that she is a good writer. She often anthropomorphises the, forgive my irreverence, vacant meat sacks in comical ways, as a person is wont to do when they are not as desensitized to the process of biological decay as are many of the professionals that she encounters.

I could tell you all the stuff I’ve learned from it and all the interesting experiences that she details, but you should just read it yourself. What I do want to say is that reading this book makes me even more excited to start med school. Is that weird? And while I’ve recently been  strongly leaning towards primary care, some of this stuff definitely makes surgery super compelling. There are time I feel like I’m a low-key psychopath for various reasons (e.g. I was the only one who asked to personally pithe one of the frogs in my physiology lab), but I also think that there is a chance I’ll faint when confronted with my first cadaver.

The world is becoming increasingly fast paced. Maybe it’s just me, but sometimes I feel like I always need to be doing something (even if that something isn’t super productive). It’s a symptom of the culture we live in and the technology that surrounds us. Arguably its a symptom of being human; technology shapes the culture which feeds off our human tendencies. Filling time with stuff seems necessary, because if I’m not doing, I’m wasting time. At least, this is what I seem to tell myself. But productivity isn’t measured in actions-per-minute. Quantity comes secondary to quality.

The past few days I’ve been trying to take more time to pause and reflect on each day. In the mornings I think about things I want to accomplish, and in the evening I try to recall things I’ve learned and things that I am grateful for that day. This has not only helped me feel better, but also be more productive with my time. It’s important to keep moving forward, but just as important is knowing where you’re going and remembering where you’ve been.

 

Three things am grateful for today: new friends, music, and group video calls

 

SNL recently announced three new cast members for the upcoming season including their first (full) Asian cast member, Bowen Yang. Among the trio was Shane Gillis, who recently caught some not-so-positive attention on social media for racist comments he made on a podcast that he co-hosts. Between him and his co-host he was the milder racist, not that it makes it any better. He later made a response to this whole thing by defending his brand of comedy as “risky.” As noted by much of the Twitterverse, the tropes that Gillis plays off of are tired and far from cutting-edge in the comedy world. Popular opinion was against Gillis, and much of the social media world called for his “cancellation.” SNL soon after cut ties with Gillis as is there right, though likely a PR move not a social justice move.

Presidential candidate Andrew Yang (no relation that I’m aware of to the SNL freshman) also condemned the comedian, but also invited Gillis to a discussion regarding his past comments. Many people were upset by this, saying that racists don’t deserve redemption or can’t be reasoned with. I feel like that is a common attitude in this day and age (and has been for a long time), and one that needs to change.

I don’t think racism in any form should be tolerated or condoned, but “cancellation” is not the solution. Everyone one is human, and grew up with different experiences, many genuinely do not know the extent of the impact that their words and actions have. Though even assume the worst intentions by Gillis, cancel-culture is just lazy. It says, I recognize a problem, and I am going to generalize about it, and push it somewhere else (humans are really good at pushing hard to deal with problems out of sight).

Injustice must be dealt with appropriately. Whatever consequences occur, especially in the court of public opinion are deserved. Gillis got what was coming to him, but I don’t think that he should be thought of as beyond redemption. Cancelling is not an effective way to get someone to change, understanding is. Understanding why someone thinks its ok to use certain language, or understanding why some hates Swedish climate activists. This is harder than anything because it feels like you must compromise your beliefs and often has little to show for it. But going to the root is what makes people think, and little by little attitudes and cultures can change. 

If you saw my computer right now, you might be shocked by the number of tabs and windows I have open right now. Unless of course you are like me. I open links in new tabs usually because I still have unfinished business on the original tab. The tabs are there so I can back to it later, and I usually do….eventually. They are reminders of things I want to revisit. Though they are also often a product of my indecisiveness and perhaps attention-deficiency. I want to read this other article that the article I am currently reading linked to… but wait this article also makes me want to Google search this other tangentially related topic. And so the down the rabbit-hole we go.

Same goes with drafts. I have several different blog post drafts that I have saved that are unpublished because they are incomplete. I’ll start writing something, then think of something else to write that is related enough to take me off track, but not related enough to put in the same post. Now I have two drafts, and one gets published and the other goes incomplete. The thing is no one is telling me they’re incomplete, that is 100% my own determination. So the question is why is it incomplete and what am I waiting for?

The other day my mom sat down with my brother and me to show us how she does all the bills and budgeting stuff. All stuff I more or less knew, except for maybe the exact values of our household income and expenses. There are certain things in factored into it that are basically fixed, and there are certain things that can be vary depending on things that we do. Setting up a budget for limited resources is an important thing to do and allows for optimization.

Every day we are given 24 hours to do as we please and it’s up to us how we spend that time. Just like with money there are certain fixed values and certain time “expenses” that must be accounted for. I have 24 hours, but I also have to sleep, eat, work, pee, poop, etc. Those are some hefty expenses. Say I average 7 hours of sleep (for the sake of this discussion let’s say 3.5 hours for the first and last hours of each day). Right now I work about 6 hours per day. Meals ~3 hours per day. Misc. body maintenance (pee, poo, shower, brushing teeth) 1 hour. That totals 17 hours. 17 hours of stuff that can’t really be changed. That means I have 7 hours of free time.

What should I use it for? Exercise? Reading? Video games? Learning Spanish? Playing piano? Staring at my phone? Just like with finances, whatever I put my time into is an investment, and I want to choose investments that will pay the biggest dividends. And I’ll be honest I haven’t exactly been a temporal Warren Buffett. I recently got an app to monitor my phone screen time and found that in the past week I average over 3 hours on my phone per day. Throw in a couple hours or more of video games and that leaves me with less than 2 hours of free time. The dividends of those 5 hours: negligible. It’s kinda like how a lot of people talk about not wanting to look at their bank account because they know it’s not pretty. But facing the truth is the only way to fix things.

Here’s where optimization comes in. I need to change my investment habits to increases my ROI. Using the app I mentioned, I am going to set limits for the usage of certain apps to help combat idle scrolling. At this point I’m trying to bring my phone usage to about 1 hour per day. I’ll also try to block of times during my day dedicated for my high ROI activities. Sounds easy enough, but I anticipate it to be harder than is sounds. Low ROI stuff is so tempting and easy to fall into, but it’s good to get into better habits now because one year from now this budget is gonna drastically change when med school starts. Wish me luck. Words of encouragement or advice are always appreciated.