nANIMOv

“Don’t let perfect be the enemy of the good.” This was a phrase I heard recently in a podcast. I’ve always considered myself somewhat of a perfectionist; I’m particular about the way I think things should be done and want things to be just right. There’s nothing wrong with being careful and precise, but at a certain point, this becomes somewhat of a detriment. The pursuit of perfection means I don’t hit submit, I don’t press send. In some cases this identity becomes an excuse. In some cases I don’t even get started because I’m waiting for “perfect conditions.” In reality I’m just scared of what might happen next. If I fail, that hurts my pride. If I succeed that builds pressure for the future.

If I can stay somewhere in the middle, perpetually “in-progress,” then I can say “I’m working on it,” without facing the consequences. The problem with that is there is no progress, I’m stuck in developmental purgatory.

Both failure and success result in growth of their own kind. Waiting for perfect results in stagnation. Things don’t need to be perfect in order for them to be good. Perfection (whatever that is) can’t happen over night, and I won’t get there without scraping my knees along the way. I just gotta suck it up and do the work.

Talking about change or asking people to change can be a sensitive issue. Everyone behaves the way they do for a reason, usually based on their life experiences or their values (with a few notable exceptions). I can’t speak for everyone (though experience tells me humans are more alike than we think) but I know if someone directly asks me to change in some way I feel like a part of myself is being rejected. I’m sure that’s not the intention of the other person, but that’s how it can feel.

Being open to change requires vision. Vision to see possible alternatives. I have to be humble enough to believe there is a better way. I have to realize that the suggestion of change (even if ill-advised) in not a rejection of who I am, but a belief in my potential. At least that’s how I should try to see it. That said no matter how receptive to feedback I get, there’s always that little voice whispering the worst. The goal isn’t to get that voice to shut up, its being able to tell the voice why it’s wrong.

I did a report on Alexander Graham Bell back in Junior High. There was a quote that was attributed to him that really struck a chord with me, especially because when I was little I wanted to be an inventor, “The inventor… looks upon the world and is not contented with things as they are. He wants to improve whatever he sees, he wants to benefit the world.” This was kinda my mindset for a long time. There’s a lot of messed up stuff going on and humans need to get their shit together.

Where I am now though I can’t help but think about the restlessness of the quote; particularly in “not contented” and “improve whatever he sees.” It can be easy to get caught up in the fixing part that we forget to stop and appreciate some of the good. And we need to make sure that our “fixes” are backed by evidence and careful science (I’m using the term science here relatively broadly). Kinda harkening back to the book Factfullness, we need to be able to see the good in the world as a model for the future. Action for the sake of action can be wasteful, and wastefulness is the last thing the world needs more of.

I’m not really in the mood to write tonight, but I will anyway ’cause it’s been too long. My lack of motivation isn’t tied to anything one thing in particular, but kinda a bunch of different things. I guess much of it can be linked to feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. What’s makes it worse is that I don’t feel like I have a good reason for feeling these things, but yet here they are. It’s not a consistent, all the time thing, and I don’t consider myself depressed (obligatory not-that-there-would-be-anything-wrong-with-that), but when it does happen I end up in a bit of a vicious cycle.

I kinda wanted to expand on what I talked about last post about not getting too caught up in the details. Each person is a collection of their own experiences. How we each are perceived is collections of other people’s experiences of us. You never know what details about you are going to stand out, and maybe that’s why we put so much pressure on ourselves. I want so badly to control how other people see me, but that changes how I act, and thus how people see me. And yet, being someone who wants to control their image, which in-turn affects their behaviors, is part of that person’s identity.

I am both a collection of my experiences and my actions, for better or for worse. I can never truly change from who I once was, I can only add to that collection. In that way, I feel like regret is pointless. All those experiences and actions make-up who I am now, with the mindset I have now, and the perspective I have now. To change any of that would be to change who I am in the present, but I kinda like who I am. Plus even if I wanted to, I couldn’t change any of it, I can learn from it though, but that’s still just adding to the collection.

We’ve all experience the frustration of thinking of the perfect comeback or response after the opportunity to use it has passed. Can’t think of how many times I thought of something “better” to say right after I hit send. I may dwell on it for a bit, maybe hours, maybe days, but those moments are barely blips in my memory now and probably even less in the minds of those I’m talking to. I am the type of person to fuss over small details which actually have little significance in the bigger picture. Don’t get me wrong, I still think details are important, but I’m trying to be better at determining which details actually matter. The specific words I use often are not as important as the message as a whole, and so choosing the exact right word between two synonyms may not worth the time (unless I’m writing a poem).

With limited bandwidth, I gotta choose to spend it on things that actually matter.

Everyone would be a bit happier if they took themselves less seriously. I feel like that’s one of the keys to overcoming irrational fear. So what if you fail, no one 100% expects you to get it the first time, and if they do, they have their own issues. Speak up even if people are listening. Send the risky text. Try that new thing. Be bold. And if things don’t work out, there’s a good chance the world hasn’t ended.

Life is pretty forgiving… are you?

It’s almost like a vicious cycle; people are ignorant because they don’t to ask questions; they don’t ask questions because they are scared or because they don’t care; they are scared or don’t care because they are ignorant. This is a simplification and a generalization, but I think those can be good ways to start to talk about complicated things in a manageable way.

We’ve all probably experienced not knowing something, wanting to ask, but being too scared to ask. That fear sucks and is stupid, but it’s real. I’ve gotten my head bitten off more than once for asking a genuine question. And sometimes I get frustrated that, in some cases, in order to get answers I often have to dance around people’s emotions or feelings, but that’s the way things are. It’s either that or changing the entire culture of human interaction and perhaps human nature along with it. So while we chip away at the culture thing and the genetic thing, it’s probably best to at least smile, nod, and pretend like you care. And who knows, maybe you will actually start to.

I saw this Twitter post earlier with a lot of retweets and likes or whatever:

“The problem with putting others first is that you’ve taught them you come last.”

What a depressing thought. There are some things that people say or quote that are supposed to be profound and deep, but end up just being utter horseshit (see above).

I feel like there’s this obsession with people choosing between their own happiness and the happiness of those around them, or with people showing how much of personal toll they are sustaining for the benefit of others. Why? Are we looking for pity or pride? Do we want others to view us as some type of Christ-like figure sacrificing ourselves for others?

My happiness should not come at the expense of others, nor should the happiness of others come at my expense. Sometimes it can feel that way, and perhaps more so today than ever before, where all of our interactions with people feel like transactions. Though maybe that’s not new, but there has to be a better way. Why can’t my happiness come from the happiness of others (and vice versa)? Mutualism is possible, but it takes a culture shift. People need to reorient themselves; their priorities and their attitudes.