nANIMOv

I was listening to the radio the other week and there was a panel talking about some social issue and the interviewer asked something about the effectiveness of certain types of rallies and protests which are “preaching to the choir,” since the people who go are generally people who already believe in the cause. One of the panelists responded saying “the choir needs to practice too.” At first I thought it was super profound. Like yea, what a cool new take on the saying. Just because you already believe in a cause doesn’t mean you get a free pass or get to stop fighting for it.

The more I thought about it, the less it made sense to me though. Preaching to the choir refers to the fact that the choir likely hears the sermon a lot. But of course they still need to practice. The sermon is not related to the songs and hymns that they are singing. In other words, there was never any implication that the choir doesn’t need to practice in the first place. It would make sense if he said something like, “the choice still needs to listen to the sermon, because they are also still vulnerable to forgetting the gospel’s teachings.”

That just doesn’t sound as nice.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but mistakes are not the same as regrets. To me regret is a feeling of disappointment or shame towards one’s previous actions and choices. Mistakes alternatively are a symptom of trying. They’re scars, either physical or mental, that say that you had the courage to not to play it safe.

I am pretty happy with the person I am today. To regret my past would be to deny who I am in the present moment. To regret is to say that if I did things differently I could have more successful, or I could have be smarter, or richer, or cooler, or more well-liked. What’s the point of that? I can’t change what happened, so why should I dwell on it. That doesn’t mean I can’t learn from it. If I undid a “mistake” or undid something I “regret” then the lesson I learned would be gone.

You won’t get very far living with no mistakes. Living without regret on the other hand, to me is the only way to move forward in peace.

I actually don’t even like the term “mistake” because it implies something needs correcting. Math homework can have mistakes, grammar can have mistakes. Not to get all Bob Ross here, but in life there are no mistakes, just accidents and events and choices. Was it a mistake to where an Iron Man shirt everyday in junior high? Or to go to a private university? Or study biology? Or have a long distance relationship? Or not pursue acting/ cooking/ inventing/ law? And if I did things differently would I be the same person I am today? I don’t think so. I don’t regret any of it and would make the same decisions all over again if I could.

Every choice we have ever made and ever will make is influenced by those that came before it, and thus will influence every choice that comes after. I know it sounds cheesy and like a cop-out, and I also recognized that I’ve been very blessed throughout my life, but there really is nothing that comes to mind that I truly regret. Perhaps the only thing that I wish I had done sooner is to stop living by other people standards and expectations. This is something I still struggle with, but now it’s easier to recognize and adjust my behavior accordingly.

If you are one of the few who actively reads the nonsense I write here, you’ll notice that I’ll occasionally have streaks of posts, followed by streaks of silence, with a sprinkling of single posts in-between. My ideal is to write, publish, and post something on here every day, but clearly I have not been holding myself to that. It’s not because I don’t always have something to write about. Consistently, the thing that holds me back is the feeling that people who do see this, or who simply see that I’m posting again won’t understand what I’m trying to do or say. If I just made this a private journal for my eyes only, there wouldn’t be any of that resistance. Sure that resistance is manufactured by my own mind, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

I write because I enjoy it. I post it publicly because I hope people will think about it or engage with it. But I’m also scared about how it shapes people’s perception of me, especially since that’s completely out of my control. At the same time, knowing that it’s out of my hands also puts me at ease in a way, and eventually my desire to follow-through on my (personal) word prevails. That said it always helps to get support and motivation from the community.

So if you are reading this an you wanna help me out let me know if anything I write provokes any thoughts. If you think I should write more about certain topics let me know. Hold me accountable. You don’t have to like what I post, but if you for some reason realize I haven’t posted on a day, bug me to do it. I would really appreciate it. Much love.

-NV

I live on the 5th floor of my apartment building. When they trash in my kitchen gets full I tie it up and take it to the trash room where I press this glowing green button, hear sharp buzz, then a click, and then I open up the chute and throw in the trash.

I rarely think of that trash beyond the chute. Once that trash is down it’s out of sight and out of mind. It’s as if it never existed. Obviously that is not the case. It has to go somewhere, but it’s just no longer my problem. This is becoming less and less true as our trash is running out of places to go. Just seeing the amount of trash that my one apartment of 4 individuals produces on a weekly basis is honestly frightening, especially when you multiply that by the 500+ units in the building times the number of apartment buildings in LA times the number of cities as big as LA, etc. etc. But you really can’t blame everyday people for the trash that they produce. I mean you can to some extent; there are definitely ways that I can actively reduce my trash production. What I mean is society and corporations have made us so reliant on consumable, single use goods that you basically have no choice but to buy them if you are shopping at your average grocery or supermarket.

Just because this is where we are now, doesn’t mean this is where we have to stay. Just like small amounts of trash from a bunch of individuals adds up, so do efforts to reduce it. If we were all a little more conscientious about our choices (privilege permitting) and started thinking beyond the chute, maybe we can start moving a better direction for the future of our planet.

Probably the biggest thing I feel like I’ve been missing out on by starting medical school in a global pandemic is gross anatomy lab. Working with donors to learn about the structure and function of various parts of the body is almost like a right-of-passage for being a medical student. Fortunately for us though, we live in the 21st century and modern technology allows us to get as close as we can (if not closer) to a live dissection. We have access to 3D models of actual donors as well as virtual models that let us work with a “living” body. Plus our instructors have videos of them performing the dissections that we would be doing ourselves so that we could see what it would be like, minus all (most) of the human error.

What’s so amazing to me about watching these prosections is seeing how chaotic the tissue appears. There’s muscles, nerves, fat, etc. going every which way and its hard to make sense of it all just by looking at it. But the more closely you look, the more patterns appear, and the more organized it all seems. Not just organized, but in some cases it seems almost ingeniously so. Then beyond that, learning about embryology and how all these complex structures came to be where they are at starting from a single cell. It truly is awesome.

That’s been the theme for the past week. It was literally the title for one of the sections of the book I’m currently reading and has come up in a lot of my conversations recently. When we choose to do participate in certain activities or behaviors there’s always a reason behind it. That doesn’t mean the reason is good. We seldom do things completely out of sheer whim or randomness, even if it seems random. I’ve been thinking a lot about the reason behind why I do things, or more specifically to what end. What activities and behaviors build on the person I am trying to be, and which activities and behaviors detract from that.

I recently got some upgrades for my workspace. I got some cushions for chair as gift (thank you, you know who you are <3) which have made my hours of studying (and procrastinating) more bearable. I also got these cool reusable dry-erase sticky notes for me to jot ideas or reminders without the mess of actually stick notes. I got a new bullet journal from a Secret Santa and a new little side desk for me to expand my workspace. Lastly I got new keyboard that is just magical to type on. The sound, the wrist cushion, the feeling, it’s all so satisfying. While on their own, all these things may seem like relatively minor changes, but having a workspace that you enjoy using and working it makes a big difference in productivity (this keyboard makes me just want to type ALL THE TIME).

All that said I don’t want to fall into to pattern of consistently feeling like I need to upgrade and have novel things in order to be productive, but for now, I’m just gonna enjoy it.

When you have a bunch of people storming one of the most “sacred and revered” buildings in the country with little to no resistance, you know something’s wrong.

If you weren’t from Earth, you might think this might be the result of a great injustice. Perhaps the death of an innocent man. Perhaps the assassination of a great leader. Perhaps crimes against humanity at the hands of our government. But you would be wrong, because this is the United States of America. We don’t do that here. Here we rise up when when white people think they lose.

Seeing all those flags bearing the name of some lowlife gilding the walls of the capitol was quite dystopian, but its actually a good representation of what much of America actually looks like, despite what some politicians may say. Take note of the people who decided to storm the capitol today, take note of their motivation, and whose interests they serve. Tonight all these senators are taking the floor wagging their fingers them as if they aren’t the very people who interests they’ve been supporting for their entire career. A presidential election like the one we just had is not going to change that.

I was recently introduced to the concept of kiasu while reading Seth Godin’s The Practice. It’s a Hokkien word meaning to have a grasping or selfish attitude arising from a fear of missing out on something, an advanced FOMO. For me social media is a huge source of kiasu. Seeing other people’s success and experiences is a source of insecurity. Like I am not being or doing or living enough. Or knowing that people I was once close to are having bonding experiences with other people. Though this is something I’ve gotten better at over the years; recognizing that social media is full of curated snapshots. I can never know what another person’s life is like on the other side of the screen. Instead of having self-pity or feeling this kiasu, its more productive and emotionally healthy to simply be happy for another person’s growth. At the same time, I can also acknowledge my own growth and be content with where I am at, while still being optimistic about the future.