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I was recently introduced to the concept of kiasu while reading Seth Godin’s The Practice. It’s a Hokkien word meaning to have a grasping or selfish attitude arising from a fear of missing out on something, an advanced FOMO. For me social media is a huge source of kiasu. Seeing other people’s success and experiences is a source of insecurity. Like I am not being or doing or living enough. Or knowing that people I was once close to are having bonding experiences with other people. Though this is something I’ve gotten better at over the years; recognizing that social media is full of curated snapshots. I can never know what another person’s life is like on the other side of the screen. Instead of having self-pity or feeling this kiasu, its more productive and emotionally healthy to simply be happy for another person’s growth. At the same time, I can also acknowledge my own growth and be content with where I am at, while still being optimistic about the future.

With the start of a new semester I’m reminded once again of my lack of willpower. At the beginning of the break prior to coming back to school, I told myself I would use at least some of my time off to get ahead on material for the coming block. While I did manage to get a little studying in over the holiday, it wasn’t enough to consider myself ahead of schedule. Now with the new material starting to pile up I’m kicking myself for not doing having done more.

I don’t necessarily feel behind, but I don’t want to just get by, I want to feel like I’m working at (or close to) my full potential. That said, studying by going through flashcards and listening to lectures doesn’t feel like I’m operating at my full potential. I know they say nothing worth doing comes easy, but why not? Being effective and being productive doesn’t have to be tedious. Challenging doesn’t have to mean painful. But we’re trained in life that there’s one right way to do anything, and often times it’s the painful way.

Standing up in front of a bunch of people who are expecting to laugh (or in some cases actively resisting laughter), and attempting to actually make them laugh is hard. Just motivating yourself to walk up to the mic sounds so stressful. What’s scary about doing comedy is during your performance you have real-time feedback. People either laugh at your jokes or they don’t, and there is little ambiguity to what each of those mean.

To go to other people and say, “Here I made this.” is scary. It makes you vulnerable. It takes a part of you and puts it out for the world to see… and to judge. The more you work on something, so bigger part of you it contains. And that is why I publish my blog publicly, because to not share it, to hide, would be to deny a part of myself and requires no effort on my part. If my goal is to grow, I need to fight against some resistance. Just like with exercise, if there’s no resistance, there’s no growth. For me, the stakes might not be as high as with the comic who is not only risking their pride as a comic, but also their reputation as a person, but it’s something.

This is a Hmong phrase that I came across while reading The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down.

“hais cuaj txub kaum txub”

It means “to speak of all things” and according to Anne Fadiman, the author of the book, the phrase often used as a disclaimer in Hmong storytelling which tells listeners that details which may seems excessive are actually important. To speak of all things is to make sure no detail is overlooked, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Just because you don’t immediately see the connection doesn’t mean there isn’t one.

This phrase stood out to me because I tend to be long-winded myself in both writing and speaking, and I always considered it a bad thing, something to work on. While I still would like to work on being a bit more to the point at times, this was a good reminder to embrace some of my more natural tendencies.

I recently heard of this old superstition that shaking an empty wallet to a full moon will make me wealthy. Tonight’s supposed to be a full moon, the last one of the year, which probably means it’s extra special, maybe a million dollars special. I can’t see the moon right now, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. So I’ll be outside shaking my wallet to wherever I think it is. But instead of money, I think I’ll ask the Moon for something else.

I keep seeing articles about how there’s a surge in medical school applications this year and how it must be because of Dr. Fauci’s presence on the national stage influencing and inspiring young people to take up the medical profession. This seriously overestimates both the power of Dr. Fauci’s public persona and the minds of aspiring physicians (I should know, I am one of them). I’m not trying to diminish Dr. Fauci’s service to the country or his influence as a whole, just this specific case might be a bit of a stretch.

First of all, most people who are submitting applications this year likely did not make the decision during the pandemic’s first few month. Which they would have had to if they planned to submit in May or June. Anyone seriously thinking about going to medical school likely starts planning their application about 1 year before submission. Prior to that they have to have been focused on their GPA, taking pre-reqs, volunteering, getting clinical experience, studying for the MCAT, etc etc for at 4 years or more. So to me, the 20% increase in submissions is probably not due to people being all of a sudden inspired by Dr. Fauci’s meteoric rise to fame in the 4 months leading up to the opening of this year’s application cycle.

I imagine that the reason is much simpler; students just had more time to focus on their applications. Another reason might be that students who pretty much had most of their things in order, but were planning on applying the following year decided, what the hell, if I’m stuck at home for the next year I might as well apply now and see what happens. These seem more consistent with how most potential applicants operate.

I’m sure there are many young pre-meds or elementary or high school students that Dr. Fauci inspired. And sure, there may be a few applicants this year for who Fauci was their primary motivation for applying this year, but just because something makes a nice story doesn’t mean its true.

This morning I had a somewhat peculiar appreciation of the sounds around me. The opening of the cupboard. The pop of lid on my coffee grounds tin. The rattling of spoons and forks as I closed the utensil drawer. The running of the faucet and the bubbling of hot water. It was all so sensual (not in a weird way).

The thought crossed my mind that I could be inadvertently high on something, or maybe there was a carbon monoxide leak, but neither of those seemed likely. I think had to do with the quiet and the stillness around me. The feeling of being the only sign of life within my perceptible radius. No trains, no cars, no birds, just the sounds of living in relative isolation.

Secret Santa gift exchanges are a weird thing to me. At least modern ones are, because while the idea of losing the “spirit of Christmas” to corporate money grabs and our own material desires is not unique to the modern era, the technology and culture that now exist make it all the more shameless.

For the past few years many of the Secret Santa’s that I’ve been a part of go something like this:

Participants are randomly assigned a person who they are going to buy a gift for. There is a budget so that everyone’s gift is worth about the same monetary value and people make a wish list of something(s) they want which falls within that target price range.

Nowadays these exchanges have just become another excuse for us to buy things we want, ’cause that’s essentially what we are doing, just in a round about way. It makes sense though. We all want to give (and receive) gifts that we know the recipient (or ourselves) will actually use. Otherwise it feels like a waste. Not to mention there a few experiences more unpleasant seeing the look of disappointment on someone’s face when they open an “unwanted” gift. So we are very specific with our requests in order to ensure that we get what we want… oh and to make it easy on the person who is assigned to buy us a gift lest they have trouble finding something they think we would like.

With apps like Elfster, where the default option requires you to input a specific link for the item you would like to receive (inputting free text is an extra few steps), this is easier than ever. Gift givers don’t need to put an ounce of thought into their gift, just few mouse clicks. Then on the day of the gift exchange people pretend to be surprised and put on an awkward smile when they tear through festive paper featuring snowmen wearing scarves to reveal a box with a nice big smile of it’s own, and inside it find the exact thing that they wanted, and a gift receipt. A Christmas miracle.

When all is said and done, everyone’s net expense is the same and people (usually) end up with what they wished for. If you didn’t, the result is often (poorly hidden) disappointment, and what was meant to be an act of generosity is now an unmet expectation. All this begs the question, couldn’t we have skipped the fanfare and faux-mystique and just all bought what we wanted?

We all deserve to spoil ourselves once in a while. I’m all for that. To me it’s preferable to hiding our selfish materialism behind a façade of generosity in order to make ourselves feel better.

Sure the process of picking names and wrapping gifts is fun and the exchange itself is a nice excuse to get together, but that can all still be accomplished using gifts that haven’t had their souls sucked out by capitalism and in a way that preserves the sanctity of gift-giving.

Gift-giving should be another opportunity to show important people in your life that you care about them and that you are cognizant of the things they like and are interested in. Some of the best gifts I’ve received were the ones that I wasn’t expecting or that didn’t know I wanted until I had them, and getting to open them was far more interesting. Sure you may get one or two you’re not super stoked about, so its a good thing you already bought yourself the thing you actually wanted.

While the narrative/ history of Thanksgiving is somewhat controversial, I think the sentiment is a good one. Yes we should always be thankful for what we have regardless of the time of year, but it’s always good to have a checkpoint to be extra mindful.

This year has been a doozy and its kind of hard to believe that at this time last year I was on an airplane. Despite all the craziness I have so much to be thankful for from this past year especially. And kinda like a Disney Princess you may have figured that I am preparing once again to make another list (last one for a while I promise).

Of course I’m thankful for my family for being my stable base in all the uncertainty of 2020.

I’m thankful for all my friends who have checked-in throughout the year giving me a sense of normalcy and emotional warmth.

I’m thankful for the technology that has allowed my to stay in touch with people, continue working, and start medical school on schedule.

I’m thankful for FCLUB and BigJA for being a community that I can always rely on for laughs and a good time (and tears […mostly tears]).

I’m thankful for the Fellowship for being another band of misfits that makes me feel like I belong in an otherwise hostile or unpredictable environment.

I’m thankful for my hometown for its beauty and for being an exceptional place to live, especially during a pandemic.

I’m thankful for my health and the health of my loved ones throughout this pandemic.

I’m especially thankful for my girlfriend for teaching my how to love and be loved, and showing me that love has no geography. For giving me something to look forward to everyday and being there to rant to about the latest drama. For being so patient and understanding despite the distance and situation. For always being my biggest cheerleader, especially when I lose faith in myself, and for being my best friend.

And lastly, but certainly not least, I’m thankful for all of you who read any of these posts. As I’ve stated before this blog is mostly a way for me to do indulge the joy I get from writing, so the fact that you spend even a small portion of your day with me means the world to me.

Just because Thanksgiving turkey is an age-old tradition doesn’t mean its a good one. As much as I love Thanksgiving as a holiday and as an opportunity to get together with loved ones, the turkey is unnecessary and frankly excessive. We go through the trouble of procuring and preparing these majestic beasts just for them to be overshadowed by pulverized roots and saturated breadcrumbs. I almost feel bad for the turkey; no matter how its prepared it will always be dry. It’s not the turkey’s fault, that’s just the nature of the fowl.

All that said if the turkey makes people happy I guess that’s what matters. I’m just looking forward to the day where we can have the courage to say no to the bird and the sense to choose a more reasonable Thanksgiving entrée.