Category: Uncategorized

It’s easy to judge a person based on their past and to let their old decisions define them. I feel like politicians in particular are judged on this basis and are considered duplicitous or wishy-washy when their present actions don’t align with the policies they currently support. I am skeptical of the morality and motives of politicians as much as the next guy but, shouldn’t we encourage people changing their position when presented with valid information that changes their understanding? This is especially confusing when so-called advocates complain about politicians switching to their side. What more do you want? Yes of course it would have been nice for them to have switched a long time ago before causing X, but what is yelling at them going to do now. It just dissuades people from being willing to change. There has to be a way forward, and you can either be with it or against it.

Being yourself is an ideal that we are constantly told we should aspire for. It’s a common theme of movies and novels, but what does that really mean? Does that mean we should live life uneditedd and uninhibited? Does it mean I shouldn’t try to improve or change myself or that I shouldn’t care what other people think?

My “self” includes my desire to be perceived a certain way by others and it also includes the vision of myself that I would like to be, am not quite yet. So why should I deny that part of myself in favor of this arbitrary ideal of accepting my true self, because the concept of a true self is not as well defined as we are often made to think.

So I think I’m learning to not try so hard to “be myself” and instead to just “be.”

I find that making lists for the things I need to do in a day helps me be productive, at least when it comes to doing those specific tasks. In a way though I feel like it can sometimes be a double-edged sword. Sometimes after completing all the tasks on my list I feel a sense of accomplishment that makes me forget other things that I may need to do that I forgot to add to my list. Also if I end up missing a task, that sometimes demoralizes me and I think makes me subconsciously not want to write up my list for the next day (something about not wanting to confront my failures). These things can spiral and make me less productive than normal for days at a time. But these “negatives” are all stuff I can work on and are not inherent to the list-making/ bullet journaling system. So here’s just another case where I think consistency is key and practice is key to working out the kinks and getting better at whatever I do.

The way I see it anger is an immature emotion. Not in that it’s felt by immature people, but it’s a reactionary emotion and can be associated with other, more precise feelings. Anger is something I feel when I don’t think to much about whatever it is that’s bothering me. But when I pause to think about why I am angry, it’s usually because I am sad, disappointed, frustrated, or exhausted. The anger often comes from a feeling of injustice, like I was somehow wronged. This may well be the case, but how does my anger help. It doesn’t lead me to finding a solution. It doesn’t make me feel good. It doesn’t help me get over anything. That said I still have to acknowledge that it exists, just so I don’t forget how easy it is to be angry.

What determines how much a thought occupies our mind. We like to think we have so much control over our thoughts and our behaviors, yet sometimes it seems like we have no control at all. Thoughts can keep us up at night and consume our attention almost to the point of paralysis. Is overcoming this simply a matter of willpower? Can we control it? And why do some thoughts that once occupied our mind, lose their power over time? Perhaps its our curiosity that drives it, and the not-knowing makes it harder to let go.

I always liked the rain. In elementary school I loved any opportunity to use my Scooby-Doo umbrella, pretending it was a force field protecting me from a caustic downpour. I liked staring out the window of the car, watching the droplets shimmy and coalesce. I liked the sound of cars driving on wet asphalt while I was waiting to get picked-up in the car line. I liked the sound of the rain hitting the roof, even if it was a little scary sometimes.

Rain’s a good reminder that the world goes on around us, without our permission. The rain doesn’t schedule itself around our plans, it just happens when its ready.

Living with strangers really makes you appreciated having your own space; a space where you have complete control over your environment without any real outside input. Sharing a kitchen with other people means I need to respect their preferences on where they would like to keep certain things. I don’t want the pans to go in that cupboard, ’cause it would be more convenient here. The spices go should go on this shelf and the canned foods over here. I guess I could try having a conversation with them about all this stuff, but that’d be a lot of work.

The regrets/ mistakes post from the other day was actually a request from a very good friend of mine. I kinda cheated/ copped out by saying that I didn’t regret anything cause I am content with the person I am today. Of course mostly that’s true, and that attitude is something I’ve developed in my life because of my experiences. But sitting with it more, I realize that that’s not what he meant, and of course there are parts of me that are curious what my life would be like if I made different choices. So with that in mind here are some of my real “regrets”:

Saying no to that agent and turning down Mr. Smith when he wanted me to play the main character in the school play. Not asking out certain girls who I was interested in. Not advocating for myself when I thought I deserved more. Not using sunscreen more often when I was in cross country and marching band. Quitting piano lessons. Not taking more risks.

These are the one’s that I can come up with at the top of my head. I think the common theme here, and what these have kinda collectively taught me is to be more proactive in my life, to not be afraid of less-than-ideal outcomes, because you never know what good might come of it. Living according to other people’s metrics is no way to live.

What I find somewhat ironic is that if I did take more risks and put myself out there more, I would likely have have more to regret.

Don’t we all have certain objects or possessions that we take special care of? Often times they are things that either have a lot of sentimental meaning or practical value.

Since I’ve been living away from family and sharing a kitchen with three other people, I find myself being a bit protective of certain objects that I keep out in shared spaces. For example, I may have mentioned before this glass mug that I got from a Secret Santa this year. I fuckin’ love this mug and I’m scared that if I leave it out to air dry on the counter with the rest of the dishes, something bad it going to happen to it. So as soon as I’m done with it, I wash it, dry it, kiss it, and put it away. It’s not that things often fall from our dish rack/ drying area, but I just don’t trust any of my roommates to care about it as much as I do, and why should they? Or my Instant Pot; I’m ok for people to use it, but I don’t want it sitting out because a lot of times it ends up in our dishwasher (that we don’t use) to dry and so it ends up kind of smelling weird. So if I see someone use it, or after I use it, I dry it right away and put it back.

More reflections on living with strangers to come.

It’s interesting thinking about the strings that connect us to other people. There are some people in my life who I’m connected to though others, yet those connections is stronger than some of my primary connections. What makes a connection strong? Is it simply frequency?

In neuro we learned about long-term potentiation (LTP). In LTP, frequent and persistent stimulation of neurons (especially in the brain) can strengthen the connection between them for the future. Conversely, infrequent stimulation leads to decreased connection strength. But having frequent contact with someone doesn’t mean your are going to be best friends with them, though it can certainly help facilitate it. There still needs to be something else. Is it personality? I feel like there are some many example of people who on paper, or based on personality or interests should get along, but it doesn’t always work out that way. To me it would make sense that people from 2 different friend groups that are connected through me should hit it off super well since they similarly get along with me, but that is not always the case. Certainly they may get a long, but sometimes it just doesn’t click.