I volunteer in the NICU of my local hospital. When I went in to wash my hands before my shift there was an MD in there also washing up. She was facing the sink and didn’t look up as I came in. I removed my volunteer coat and placed it on the shelf leaving only my white undershirt. The doc then turns around and we exchange greetings. She then asks how my baby is doing. A little shocked I just stutter, “Oh… I… I’m a volun–”
“–Ah you’re a volunteer,” she said as if trying to finish my sentence, “My bad, you never know these days, parents are getting younger and younger…”
“Haha…yep…have a good day,” I say as she begins to walk out and she reciprocates.
At first this just got me thinking about life and about when I do hope to have kids of my own. Then I thought about what she said… younger and younger… what’s this lady talkin’ ’bout younger and younger. When she was little most adults were probably having kids in their early 20s… but maybe she thought I was in high school.
Anyways, when I’m holding the babies at the hospital it’s hard not to think about being a father. By no means am I in any rush at all, it’s just near impossible not to think about it with a tiny baby in your arms just staring at you.
It was also kind of awkward later that day because I was helping out a nurse by holding a baby during feeding and the baby’s parents came. They knew I was a volunteer, but I could feel the mom’s gaze tear into me as soon as she walked in. I am not allowed to move the baby myself and the nurse was in the medicine room getting some milk, so I just sat there with the mom watching as her daughter was sleeping the in the arms of a stranger. I wasn’t sure if I should wait for the nurse and risk getting my arms torn off or offer to hand the baby over. Luckily Mom had enough just decided to take her, and so I gladly handed her off. Mom didn’t acknowledge me, not so much as a thank you, as if I was some sort of android who holds crying babies then goes back to its dock in the supply closet. Of course, she has every right to her baby and to be protective of her, but lady I’m a flippin’ volunteer its not like your baby is going to imprint on me. But you know,
It’s interesting how it seems that those who think they deserve the most often deserve the least, and those who think they deserve the least often deserve the most. That’s not always the case, but in seems to be a trend and I think it has a lot to do with gratitude. That being said, who am I to say what another person deserves.
I, of course, think I deserve the least of anyone.
I want to be a bit more intentional with my choices and actions; to have a more purpose behind everything I do. There was a reddit post that got pretty popular in which one user talked about doing something, at least one thing everyday to get you closer to your goals. He referred to this as “No Zero-Days”. The whole post was about discipline and self-esteem if I recall correctly. Whether or not you have personal struggles with these types of things the post it worth a read.
Currently my go-to for avoiding a zero day is learning Spanish on Duolingo.
I chose the picture of the blocks because when I built it, as well as when I built the double bridge which was on an earlier post, I had to be very intentional about how, where, and even when I placed each block. There are no screws or glues, so I couldn’t force it to work, I had to think about how each block would contribute to the structure or not. (Though perhaps excluding the twist on the top from this discussion)
I’m just going to keep writing things as they come up…
Kind of going along with the theme of my last two posts, I am going to try to re-familiarize myself with boredom; with not doing anything except thinking and being. I’ve heard boredom makes you more creative.
Regarding my last post, I’ve been thinking about my phone use a lot lately. Most of the time I am just clicking and scrolling on my phone for the sake of doing something with my fingers. It’s become so automatic now that I often don’t even realize I’ve opened an app until I see the pictures and headlines flash in front of my eyes.
I’ve started deleting the most blatant culprits of useless finger diddle, though now I see more obviously my fingers just aimlessly swiping back and forth between my menus looking for something to click. Once I notice I try to put it down.
I don’t really have a direction for what I’m going to write about today, but I think I will try to write something everyday. I want to challenge myself to commit to doing things. It’s easy to commit to my job or to my classes and whatnot because they have direct consequences/ rewards (ol’ operant conditioning rearing its ugly head). Doing something like this or exercising regularly or practicing a skill all have no clear or tangible consequence, at least for the examples I’ve been thinking of.
This makes me think of a TED talk I watched recently, I think it was about addiction or procrastination, can’t quite remember. One of the speakers main point was to get curious about your own problems, to ask yourself, “Why am I doing [insert bad habit]?” I guess this relates to the above in that I often find myself avoiding doing the things I big-picturely want to be doing or ought to be doing by doing things that offer more immediate/ tangible outcomes.
Trying this out again, this time on a different platform. Though I’m not writing for anyone in particular; I’m just trying to create an outlet for myself to just let my mind flow.
It’s nice to release the pressure valve you know? Not because I think I’m a genius and I have a bazillion amazing ideas bouncing around in my head all the time, but because there are some ideas I have during the day that I would like to revisit and hopefully this will help de-clutter my mind and filter out all the shitty ideas (assuming not all of them are).
But I guess this is also away for me to talk to myself; to get idea out of my head to I can read them out loud and/ or at another time in a different state of mind. Now that I think of it I should really go back and read some of my old essay assignments for my classes and see how my writing holds up.
That’s it for now, I wanna try to keep each post relatively short so I don’t bore future self and long posts are bitch to proofread.