Category: Uncategorized

There are a lot of activities that seem almost inaccessible to an average Joe like myself simply because I lack a certain expertise or a certain it factor. I grew up in an academic culture that told us some people are good at science and others are good at language arts and others are good at history. You’re either a math person or you’re an art person. And while there is evidence out there that indicate that there is some truth to that (people with dyslexia or dyscalculia or other similar genetic conditions), I honestly feel like the true potential of most people would surprise themselves.

Obviously this also doesn’t take into account resources, opportunities, privilege, lived experiences etc., but all things being equal humans are remarkable and flexible learners, and I think we should acknowledge that the next time we try to place limits on ourselves for not being a _____ person.

{Note to self:}

The worst thing you can do when trying to win a argument is dehumanize your opponent. When you dehumanize them, you move away from understanding. When you can’t understand them, its harder to beat them (if that is in fact your goal) and you start to hate them. And when you hate them, your “victory” loses its purpose and becomes self-serving.

Get angry, be passionate, but make sure its grounded in love and not hate. Keep an open mind. There are people out there who are justified in their hate. People who have been recipients of mistreatment and violence their whole lives because of things outside of their control. Whether or not that hatred is productive is a different story. Take some of the burden off their shoulders if you can bear it.

Orchestral conductor Benjamin Zander uses “shining eyes” as a way to tell if his musicians are reaching their potential. He says, “If the eyes are not shining, you get to ask a question…Who am I being that my players’ eyes are not shining?“

This is a useful tool for leaders, and perhaps even more so as a tool for self-reflection; Who am I being, that my eyes are not shining?

Of course, 95% of the time we can’t see our own eyes, but I think most people have a sense of what having shining eyes feels like. Personally, I feel my eyes shine most when I engage in creative tasks and when I get to solve problems. I often felt it when I worked at the museum. And I felt it when I was working in street medicine.

Nowadays in medical school it can feel like most of the time my eyes are dulled and I’m just going through the motions. Especially with the culture in academia being the way it is. I get a twinkle every now and then, but I’ve learned to suppress it because God forbid I openly expresses any sign of satisfaction with learning; that just makes me a gunner and a kiss-ass.

I’m trying to find my way back though. I’m trying to tune out the voices that say I need to study in a certain way to be successful or that studying should be miserable.

I’m gonna find ways to reconnect me to my work and make them eyes shine.

Interestingly, this topic has come up a few times, independently, among different friend groups. That is of course the debate of whether or not you clump or fold your toilet paper (TP).

For those who are unfamiliar with these techniques, clumping is when you wad up your TP, wipe, and then throw it away/ in the toilet. Folding on the other hand, is when you wipe (some people actually do a pre-fold prior to the initial wipe), and then fold the TP over to reuse it for one or more additional wipes.

The main argument I hear from clumpers is that it is cleaner and you avoid getting your own excrement on your own hand since you usually have more layers of TP between your hand and your anus. Some also seem to think that it makes for a more effective wipe. As a folder, who cares about the environment, I am forced to believe that clumpers use excessive force when wiping and at the same time use haphazard technique. This makes sense though because when TP is clumped there is an uneven distribution of pressure throughout the implement due to variation in the clumped TP layers, so you cannot be sure that you are applying sufficient force across the whole surface without either using excessive force and/or smearing around a bit.

Furthermore, when clumping I imagine it is harder to be sure that you are clean because the gyri in the TP clump obscure one’s vision of the wiping surface. With a flat surface, as you have with folded TP, you can determine with confidence the point at which you have reached the end of the scouring process.

Perhaps looming in the background of this debate are the bidet users who are sitting back and laughing as this unfolds, no pun intended. And I agree that bidets are likely the superior method overall, but that is discussion that most of the U.S. is not quite ready for.

Being self-confident and self-critical are not mutually exclusive.
Being self-critical and self-loathing are not the same thing.

I can love myself and think highly of myself, and still recognize my shortcomings. And I can be disappointed in myself for not meeting my own expectations without demeaning myself or my self-worth.

There are times when I feel like I can come off as arrogant or narcissistic, especially in social situations. But that persona has really just developed as a defense mechanism, a fake-it-till-you-make-it type of thing. It’s a narrative I tell others, and myself, to affirm that I am worth my time here on Earth. I used to deal with a lot of “self-hate”; feelings of inadequacy, of unworthiness, imposter syndrome, etc. Much of that I still struggle with to this day, but I think I’ve learned to cope with it better over time. Like many people, I deal with some of this through humor, but for me being self-deprecating is often too real and actually depressing. So instead I’ll lean into small/ insignificant virtues or compliments because in my head the suggestion that I excel at something (usually trivial or pointless things) is funnier than fixating on my flaws, which are obvious to me and, in my mind, are obvious to everyone around me. But now it’s gotten to the point were some of that bleeds out into serious conversations, and it can sound like I seriously think I’m better than everyone around me.

To some extent I did always think I was “special,” I just wasn’t convinced that I was special in ways that mattered to anyone else, especially given what society and the media tells us makes a person valuable. Those feeling are compounded by rejection; putting your genuine self out there, hoping that someone, somewhere, will find value in the things you value about yourself, only to be ~gently~ informed that you are not quite “special” enough. Even if you are validated at some point, the specter of all the past, and future, rejections perpetually lingers in the background waiting for any opportunity to pop out and say “I told you so” (as you can tell the medical application process has done wonders for my self-esteem).

Through all this it’s easy to get mad at the world and in your own way try to reject the world for rejecting you. The only problem is (1) “the world” probably won’t even notice and (2) “the world” doesn’t deserve that kind of effort from you. Your value is not dependent on others’ ability to see it or not, and your time is better spend on yourself.

When someone calls you out on your bullshit there are two ways to respond:

1. You can take it personally and deny it to maintain your own self-image
2. You can reflect and do some critical self-analysis

I like many others, tend towards the former because how dare anyone question my character. I am not like most people, I know why I believe what I believe, and do what I do. All of it is good, perhaps the best.

But I’m trying to be better; more humble, more self-aware. And maybe – just maybe – our characters are not always as consistent as we think they are.

Like many medical schools around the country, my school’s “white coat ceremony” for incoming first-year medical students was cancelled postponed. Personally, I’ve never felt like a very ceremonious person. I mean I like the symbolism and the taking time to acknowledge a significant milestone etc., but it always seemed more like a formality than anything. This is not the end nor the beginning. My life is a process that will continue to the day I die, and this ceremony would have just been another day along that journey. That’s not meant to be a morbid mentality, if anything I feel like for me it stems from an excitement to see what’s up ahead and to discover new things. I do think that transition points like this are important though to reflect and take stock of where I am in my development and to especially appreciate all the people and forces that have made me who I am today, for better or worse.

A big part of the white coat ceremony is the recitation of the Hippocratic Oath, a declaration of commitment by us freshman medical student to our patients and to the practice of medicine. One of the assignments we have been asked to complete in my short time as a medical student was to write our own oaths; to make our own personal commitments that we can look back on as we get slowly broken by the medical education system. Here’s mine:

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I love anime, though I realize it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Some think it’s too cheesy or too childish, but if you look past the overdramatic fight sequences and questionable fashion choices, there are a lot of themes and values that resonate deeply in a lot of people, including myself. And while at times it can seem too idealistic, I think we all like to imagine, at least to some extent, a world in which that type of idealism is the reality.

Take for example, Boku no Hero Academia, which is about a school for literal superheroes-in-training (perhaps an apt metaphor for medical school). The school’s motto is “Plus Ultra,” meaning to “Go Beyond”. It’s so simple, but at the same time powerful. It’s a phrase often recalled by the characters when they’ve been pushed to the very edge of their limits, either physically or mentally (though often physically), which allows them to push past their current ability for the sake of those who depend on them. While I don’t expect to be fighting villains within an inch of my life on a regular basis, Plus Ultra for me serves as a brief reminder, which I can keep in the back of my mind, to push past my limitations, and to imagine more for myself and for my patients.

And it’s in that Plus Ultra spirit that I make the following commitments:

To listen more than I speak.

To find something to love about each of my patients.

To prescribe less, and understand more.

To acknowledge that my patients’ trust is sacred.

To find something to learn from each of my patients.

To be an advocate for my patients both in and outside of the clinic.

To remember that my responsibility to my patients is a privilege not a burden.

To remember that knowing how another person’s body works doesn’t mean I know what it’s like to live in it.

To remember that there is so much more to my patients than any acronym can describe.

     They have families and careers.

     They have laughter and joy.

     Fears and anxieties.

To remember that some of the universe’s greatest medicines don’t come in pill form.

I commit to not letting myself become jaded or disillusioned by the challenges which lay ahead.

And to wash my hands with care.

I know I’m not perfect, so should I forget these commitments, I can only hope that my friends, colleagues, and mentors, who are all stronger and smarter than me, steer me back on the right path.

Plus Ultra

When people tell doctors, athletes, etc. to stay in their lane when they speak up against racism or other forms of injustice, it implies that doing so is the responsibility of a select few (usually the victims).

It’s not.

The fight against hate should be a responsibility shared by everyone.

Say what you will about Donald Trump, but he’s honestly not as bad as people think he is. People hate him for no reason! They just don’t like him because he is doing an amazing job, and they don’t like that, and they are JEALOUS of him. Here’s a tribute to the things I appreciate about our president.

1. He sets an example for everything I aspire not to be:

• Narcissistic: only talks about himself and how things effect him, even in times of national pain, and always attribute good things only to himself/ his doing
• Arrogant: never admits wrongdoing or fault even when it’s painfully obvious
• Anti-science: anti-climate, anti-mask
• Willfully ignorant: pretty sure he goes out of his way not to be properly informed on issues he should definitely should know about (ignorance is bliss right?)

2. He emboldens racists to come out of the woodwork so we can label them properly.

Of course this is a privileged position to take because there are people who are actually suffering (and in some cases dying) at the hands of people who invoke Trump’s name/ administration as justification for their actions (In case you need it here’s a recent example of many). I don’t care about his policies or the economy or whatever bullshit people think makes him great. If you have the racists proudly on your side, that should be a sign that something is not right. And if you can look past that, then perhaps you should think about what that says about you. 

3. He fights for the underdog.

By underdog I mean Trump himself. He proved that intelligence and expertise don’t matter, ideas matter. And if you get enough people to agree and believe in your ideas (even by lying), then you can succeed! He only fights for himself and surrounds himself with people who praise him blindly and incessantly. 

4. He shows how broken America is.

No, I’m not talking about the deep state. And I’m not only talking about the current administration or the GOP. I’m talking about everything. He shows that white supremacy is alive and well. He shows that a good number of our population are devoid of empathy and compassion. He shows how desperately Americans cling to the idea that the United States is the greatest country in the world, when we clearly are not and have not been for a long time (if ever). Our systems and institutions in the U.S. are broken, and the belief that something is old because it is good (or vice verse) is naïve and dangerous.

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My fundamental issue with Donald Trump is not his politics. He’s a master politician. He know how to work people, specifically his people. And if all you care about is the economy and the symbol of America, then I can see why you like the guy.

My issue with him is with who he is as a human being. A man who claims to be a Christian, but is indifferent to the suffering of others. A man whose first instinct is to defend himself and his reputation (or what’s left of it), when his people are dying. A man who wields immense power, but doesn’t think about the real world consequences of his words actions. A man who runs away from responsibility and who encourages ignorance. A man who thinks he can do no wrong.

So yea, I met one of my idols, Conan O’Brien, today and the experience was perfectly whelming. Every once in while on his podcast he talks about interactions with fans out in public and how sometimes people expect him to be exactly the person they see on TV. As a person who can at times be hypersensitive to the impression I leave on people, I can only imagine what that pressure must be like for a celebrity. Though as expected he seemed like very normal, down-to-Earth guy and I very much wish I had to courage to ask to sit and chat with him for a bit (even if he had said no), but my excuse for not doing so is social distancing and plus I didn’t want to be a bother. That being said, Conan in the miniscule chance you’re reading this, I’m from the area and would love to be your friend; we can talk about books and documentaries and childhood trauma… but we’d have to move quickly because I’m moving to LA for medical school at the of July.

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Anyways, the idea of celebrity is interesting to me. From the perspective of most people, celebrities are kind of like the epitome of social acceptance, something we as humans are hardwired to seek. To our more primitive senses, social acceptance means insurance and security, which translates to survival and fitness (i.e. reproductiveness). If you weren’t accepted, you were left lonely and abandoned with lower chance of reproducing. While technology has evolved drastically over the past 100,000 years, humans have virtually remained the same. So while our desire for acceptance hasn’t changed much, our base fitness is much improved and so has our chances of acceptance (there is a larger number and diversity of individuals to potentially be accepted by).

At the dawn of man, if you knew someone, chances are they knew of you as well. Nowadays you can religiously follow someone on social media with them having zero awareness of your existence, which in some ways makes today’s celebrities more akin to gods of the old world (from a conceptual standpoint).

Human are somewhat unique in our ability to believe in things without any physical basis. “Celebrity” in those days was reserved for concepts like gods, spirits, and other fictions; people knew all about them, believed in their existence, and told stories about them, but there was usually no direct interpersonal or physical relationship with them.

Today famous people and people “in power” fill a similar role, and so it can be easy to forget that they are human beings just like the rest of us, albeit often with different life experiences and perspectives. But forgetting that can be dangerous. Once we start creating our own narratives about other people or things, just as humans once did with gods and spirits, we use these fabricated beliefs to explain reality, rather than letting reality speak for itself.

There are deities which have the power to make it rain, and when the gods are angry there is no rain.

This person is behaving strangely because they are possessed by an evil spirit.

This person has a lot of followers and looks happy all the time in pictures, so they must have the best opinions and tastes.

The president didn’t mean that racist thing he said because he is the best president ever and has done more for this country than any other president.

All of these are stories that people have told themselves at some point in human history to explain phenomena around them. Overtime though, the truth usually wins, even if it’s a long and highly inefficient process. We’re all human, we all have flaws, and we all make mistakes. Because of the way our world is currently set up, some people’s mistakes have much larger impact than others. Keep that in mind the next time you mentally imbue someone with more power and influence than they actually deserve.