Category: Uncategorized

What determines how much a thought occupies our mind. We like to think we have so much control over our thoughts and our behaviors, yet sometimes it seems like we have no control at all. Thoughts can keep us up at night and consume our attention almost to the point of paralysis. Is overcoming this simply a matter of willpower? Can we control it? And why do some thoughts that once occupied our mind, lose their power over time? Perhaps its our curiosity that drives it, and the not-knowing makes it harder to let go.

I always liked the rain. In elementary school I loved any opportunity to use my Scooby-Doo umbrella, pretending it was a force field protecting me from a caustic downpour. I liked staring out the window of the car, watching the droplets shimmy and coalesce. I liked the sound of cars driving on wet asphalt while I was waiting to get picked-up in the car line. I liked the sound of the rain hitting the roof, even if it was a little scary sometimes.

Rain’s a good reminder that the world goes on around us, without our permission. The rain doesn’t schedule itself around our plans, it just happens when its ready.

Living with strangers really makes you appreciated having your own space; a space where you have complete control over your environment without any real outside input. Sharing a kitchen with other people means I need to respect their preferences on where they would like to keep certain things. I don’t want the pans to go in that cupboard, ’cause it would be more convenient here. The spices go should go on this shelf and the canned foods over here. I guess I could try having a conversation with them about all this stuff, but that’d be a lot of work.

The regrets/ mistakes post from the other day was actually a request from a very good friend of mine. I kinda cheated/ copped out by saying that I didn’t regret anything cause I am content with the person I am today. Of course mostly that’s true, and that attitude is something I’ve developed in my life because of my experiences. But sitting with it more, I realize that that’s not what he meant, and of course there are parts of me that are curious what my life would be like if I made different choices. So with that in mind here are some of my real “regrets”:

Saying no to that agent and turning down Mr. Smith when he wanted me to play the main character in the school play. Not asking out certain girls who I was interested in. Not advocating for myself when I thought I deserved more. Not using sunscreen more often when I was in cross country and marching band. Quitting piano lessons. Not taking more risks.

These are the one’s that I can come up with at the top of my head. I think the common theme here, and what these have kinda collectively taught me is to be more proactive in my life, to not be afraid of less-than-ideal outcomes, because you never know what good might come of it. Living according to other people’s metrics is no way to live.

What I find somewhat ironic is that if I did take more risks and put myself out there more, I would likely have have more to regret.

Don’t we all have certain objects or possessions that we take special care of? Often times they are things that either have a lot of sentimental meaning or practical value.

Since I’ve been living away from family and sharing a kitchen with three other people, I find myself being a bit protective of certain objects that I keep out in shared spaces. For example, I may have mentioned before this glass mug that I got from a Secret Santa this year. I fuckin’ love this mug and I’m scared that if I leave it out to air dry on the counter with the rest of the dishes, something bad it going to happen to it. So as soon as I’m done with it, I wash it, dry it, kiss it, and put it away. It’s not that things often fall from our dish rack/ drying area, but I just don’t trust any of my roommates to care about it as much as I do, and why should they? Or my Instant Pot; I’m ok for people to use it, but I don’t want it sitting out because a lot of times it ends up in our dishwasher (that we don’t use) to dry and so it ends up kind of smelling weird. So if I see someone use it, or after I use it, I dry it right away and put it back.

More reflections on living with strangers to come.

It’s interesting thinking about the strings that connect us to other people. There are some people in my life who I’m connected to though others, yet those connections is stronger than some of my primary connections. What makes a connection strong? Is it simply frequency?

In neuro we learned about long-term potentiation (LTP). In LTP, frequent and persistent stimulation of neurons (especially in the brain) can strengthen the connection between them for the future. Conversely, infrequent stimulation leads to decreased connection strength. But having frequent contact with someone doesn’t mean your are going to be best friends with them, though it can certainly help facilitate it. There still needs to be something else. Is it personality? I feel like there are some many example of people who on paper, or based on personality or interests should get along, but it doesn’t always work out that way. To me it would make sense that people from 2 different friend groups that are connected through me should hit it off super well since they similarly get along with me, but that is not always the case. Certainly they may get a long, but sometimes it just doesn’t click.

Sometimes it feels like there so much I want to do, but so little time to actually do those things. I wish I could do like a shadow clone jutsu so I could simultaneously work on all the things I want to work on. I could have one working on med school stuff. Another learning Spanish. Another practicing piano. Another reading and doing research. One cooking (or trying to cook) and a bunch of others working on different creative pursuits.

Alas, I am but one person, with one lifetime. So I need to be more selective with the activities I choose. If there are things that I do in my daily life that I didn’t just now assign for one of my clones to do, why am I doing it with my limited bandwidth?

I was listening to the radio the other week and there was a panel talking about some social issue and the interviewer asked something about the effectiveness of certain types of rallies and protests which are “preaching to the choir,” since the people who go are generally people who already believe in the cause. One of the panelists responded saying “the choir needs to practice too.” At first I thought it was super profound. Like yea, what a cool new take on the saying. Just because you already believe in a cause doesn’t mean you get a free pass or get to stop fighting for it.

The more I thought about it, the less it made sense to me though. Preaching to the choir refers to the fact that the choir likely hears the sermon a lot. But of course they still need to practice. The sermon is not related to the songs and hymns that they are singing. In other words, there was never any implication that the choir doesn’t need to practice in the first place. It would make sense if he said something like, “the choice still needs to listen to the sermon, because they are also still vulnerable to forgetting the gospel’s teachings.”

That just doesn’t sound as nice.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but mistakes are not the same as regrets. To me regret is a feeling of disappointment or shame towards one’s previous actions and choices. Mistakes alternatively are a symptom of trying. They’re scars, either physical or mental, that say that you had the courage to not to play it safe.

I am pretty happy with the person I am today. To regret my past would be to deny who I am in the present moment. To regret is to say that if I did things differently I could have more successful, or I could have be smarter, or richer, or cooler, or more well-liked. What’s the point of that? I can’t change what happened, so why should I dwell on it. That doesn’t mean I can’t learn from it. If I undid a “mistake” or undid something I “regret” then the lesson I learned would be gone.

You won’t get very far living with no mistakes. Living without regret on the other hand, to me is the only way to move forward in peace.

I actually don’t even like the term “mistake” because it implies something needs correcting. Math homework can have mistakes, grammar can have mistakes. Not to get all Bob Ross here, but in life there are no mistakes, just accidents and events and choices. Was it a mistake to where an Iron Man shirt everyday in junior high? Or to go to a private university? Or study biology? Or have a long distance relationship? Or not pursue acting/ cooking/ inventing/ law? And if I did things differently would I be the same person I am today? I don’t think so. I don’t regret any of it and would make the same decisions all over again if I could.

Every choice we have ever made and ever will make is influenced by those that came before it, and thus will influence every choice that comes after. I know it sounds cheesy and like a cop-out, and I also recognized that I’ve been very blessed throughout my life, but there really is nothing that comes to mind that I truly regret. Perhaps the only thing that I wish I had done sooner is to stop living by other people standards and expectations. This is something I still struggle with, but now it’s easier to recognize and adjust my behavior accordingly.

If you are one of the few who actively reads the nonsense I write here, you’ll notice that I’ll occasionally have streaks of posts, followed by streaks of silence, with a sprinkling of single posts in-between. My ideal is to write, publish, and post something on here every day, but clearly I have not been holding myself to that. It’s not because I don’t always have something to write about. Consistently, the thing that holds me back is the feeling that people who do see this, or who simply see that I’m posting again won’t understand what I’m trying to do or say. If I just made this a private journal for my eyes only, there wouldn’t be any of that resistance. Sure that resistance is manufactured by my own mind, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

I write because I enjoy it. I post it publicly because I hope people will think about it or engage with it. But I’m also scared about how it shapes people’s perception of me, especially since that’s completely out of my control. At the same time, knowing that it’s out of my hands also puts me at ease in a way, and eventually my desire to follow-through on my (personal) word prevails. That said it always helps to get support and motivation from the community.

So if you are reading this an you wanna help me out let me know if anything I write provokes any thoughts. If you think I should write more about certain topics let me know. Hold me accountable. You don’t have to like what I post, but if you for some reason realize I haven’t posted on a day, bug me to do it. I would really appreciate it. Much love.

-NV