Author: nanimov

I was working in the coffee shop today and this couple took a seat at the table next to me. They didn’t seem to be a romantic couple (yet), but more like old friends who haven’t seen each other in a long time. They sat there for a long time catching up. The conversation flowed quite nicely. Heck there were times that I wanted to jump in, but I restrained myself. I thought to myself, Why can’t more conversations be like that? Maybe it’s ’cause I can be a bit socially awkward at times, but thinking of stuff to say can be hard at times, and I am very comfortable with silence.

I’ve got a bad habit of always responding to the titular question with, “Not much. How ’bout you?” Similar to “How are you?” (see my post on that here), the response has become so automated that even if there is something new I won’t say it because my Pavlovian response comes out first. Even if it has become a standard greeting and a perhaps lazy attempt to gain access into another’s personal life, it is still an attempt, and I would like to respond in earnest. Can I really not think of anything new that has happened to me since the last time I’ve seen this person? Either I need to think a little harder or need to do more new things, both of which could only be good. But also don’t ask those questions if you don’t really care about the answer. We should be mindful of our attempts to strengthen our interpersonal relationships.

So here’s to actually thinking of stuff to say when people ask things like that, even if they aren’t expecting it, ’cause they should.

I’ve been slacking quite a bit these past few weeks. I don’t really have a good reason. Writing something every day isn’t hard, writing something good every day can be. But I’m not trying to write good (get it?), I’m just trying to write. Writing is free, it just requires a time investment, but even the size of that investment is totally up to me. What holds me back is either me getting caught up with something else and I forget, or I can’t think of something to write. Or a lot of times I can think of something to write, but as I write it or as I think about it, I realize how vulnerable I would make myself by publishing it. Sometimes I don’t even want to go back and proofread because I think I’ll chicken out as I reread it. Not many people read this, but the ones that I know who do, I consider pretty close to me. Even though those people may know a lot about me already, there some things that I struggle to say outloud or even type out. Telling someone what I believe or how I feel is a risk. There no way to predict another person’s reaction perfectly. What if what I say jeopardizes that relationship?

I consider myself a pretty understanding, empathetic, and open-minded person, so if someone comes at me with an opposing viewpoint I feel like I would try to make them feel heard, even if I don’t agree with them in the end. The thing is I don’t think most people are like that. I’m not trying to be self-righteous, that’s just what I’ve experienced. Many people are willing to be heard (they love that shit), but not many are as willing to listen.

I want this to be a space where I can voice my opinions and thoughts, and if people want to have a real discussion about it they should engage with me. It’s uncomfortable to bring beliefs out in the open, and it’s uncomfortable to have those beliefs be challenged, but that’s the only way we can move towards understanding and truth.

The idea of “the Forms,” a la Plato, has always been interesting to me. My understanding is that at its simplest, it says that everything in reality is based on some ideal, true, form of which reality is merely a shadow (literally in the famous allegory of the cave). This brings some type of objectivity to our world that may otherwise might be absent. Of course it depends on whether or not you believe in such forms.

Anyways, that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I wanted to talk about forms as we may apply them to ourselves. We all have this picture of our ideal self, in our ideal life. What does that look like? And what steps get us closer to that realization.

I’m struggling on what to write next though, because there is a bit of a paradox. Maintaining this idea of a form creates an expectation-reality gap. But what if part of the form I envision form myself includes self-acceptance. Can I be happy with myself, but still want to improve? The ardent optimist/ possiblist in me says of course you can! Wanting to improve can mean accepting yourself now, but wanting better for yourself in the future. But doesn’t that imply discontent in the present? If I ever get to where I want to be will that be enough? Just like with the forms our reality maintains an asymptotic relationship with our ideal self, it can get closer and closer, but never truly reach it. But again that depends on what you believe.

Here’s where I think I land, and literally this is just my thoughts as they are coming to me, I haven’t thought about it this way before: The current form I had in mind was one without discontent. It assumed that acceptance means fully content, but that is not the case. Just like you can’t have happy without sad, courage without fear, etc; satisfaction/ being content requires a conception of dissatisfaction. Acceptance is the acknowledgement of that duality, and the duality (or plurality) of all things.

Everyone is hyper-self-conscious of their own flaws, physical, mental, etc. Sometimes the smallest comments about those flaws can deeply affect our state-of-mind at a given moment and beyond. For me, even if it’s a joke or a verbal slip by another person, and even if I know it’s a stupid thing to get hung up on, that doesn’t really help. My brain is fixated on it because prior to that comment, I could have believed that this thing that I am self-conscious about only exists in my head, but that comment brings it out into the real world.

With that, I also should try to be more conscious about the things I say because everyone has their own insecurities, and no one needs to have them highlighted outside of their control.

I recently watch the new 2019 Lion King live-action remake. Obviously, it’s not actually live-action in the literal sense, but it might as well have been. The images were hyper-realistic and honestly beautiful. And while I enjoyed the movie, I couldn’t help but miss the fantastic whimsy of traditional animation. Animation is fun cause there are almost no rules, and in that way has a life of its own. With animation your mind can break free of the limitations of reality (not that talking lions and organized monarchical animal societies have a strong basis in reality). 

It’s fun to relive some of these childhood classics in a new way, but nowadays everything is a sequel or a live-action remake, and fatigue is settling-in, and it doesn’t help that some of these movies are just bad. But even with amazingly good one like Toy Story 4, I am still yearning for something fresh.

At one point in painting, realism was the epitome of artistic skill, but eventually fatigue set in, giving rise to more abstract art (at least that’s my understanding, I take one art history class and all of a sudden I think I’m an expert, so art people please put me in my place). It was fresh, unlikely anything anyone was doing at the time. Now in cinema, particularly in animation, we are at a point where realism seems to be the primary objective, not just visually but thematically as well. Toys are having existential crises, evil sorceresses are battling for custody, etc. Sure relatability and sympathetic situations in stories aren’t new ideas, but now I feel like they are more thinly veiled than ever.  Disney et al. will continue to milk their dead cow, and chances people will continue to lap it up straight from the teet, but just like in other forms of art, people are getting tired, and a storm’s a brewin’. An animation renaissance is coming, and it will be spectacular.

To the most important woman in my life.

Who taught me how to walk and how to talk

Who taught me how to love

Who taught me never to give up on others, no matter how lost they may seem

To the woman whose smile

Tells me everything is going to be ok

And whose hugs

Squeeze all the hurt away

Thank you and I love you

Happy Birthday

I recently finished Season 3 of The Seven Deadly Sins on Netflix. I actually watched it with the Spanish dub in my effort to learn the language. The Seven Deadly Sins in Spanish is Los Siete Pecados Capitales (actually meaning the seven capital sins), which is really fun to say. Anyways I really enjoyed it and highly recommend it. If you look past the flashy action and perverted jokes there is some really interesting themes. This is common for a lot of animes, and usually gets me doing some introspection.

I’d say my sin is pride, though of course it’s not the only one, but it’s the one I’ve been thinking about the most recently. I don’t think I am arrogant, but I do like to be able to do things on my own, and to prove that I can do things on my own. A lot of the people I look up to, especially in my own family, had gone through their fair share of struggles to get where they are now. I on the other hand have lived a pretty charmed life, and I feel insecure about that. I have this desire to prove that I deserve all the good fortune that has come to me; that I somehow produced my own success, just like in all the famous success stories.

As I write it out, it becomes even more stupid to me. First of all, nobody does anything alone. There is always someone, or more likely someones, behind the scenes who are key to success (let me know if you can think of any counter examples). I don’t need to prove that I deserve anything to anyone because it’s not a question of whether or not I deserve something. The question is, What am I going to do with it? Just like with regret, over-pondering deservedness does little for me in the present. I have to accept and be grateful for any beneficial situation I find myself in, and use it in a productive way.

Nothing I produce could be possible without the goodwill of other. However, nothing can be produced by goodwill alone. It is my responsibility to do my part to try and convert what I’ve been given into something of equal or greater value. Denying the support and resources of those around me does not make me independent or worthy, it makes me ungrateful and naive. I’ve put too much stake in trivial displays of independence, and in doing so have failed to take the time to properly appreciate the people and the opportunities to whom I owe everything.

Disculpe me, intentaré hacer mejor proximo vez.

This is from a poem that I keep revisiting by Shane Koyczan titled,”What Mattered.” It’s a long one, and I was gonna put more, but separating them from their original context would be too much of an injustice. This is just one that I really love and thought was strong enough to stand alone.

It’s basically a poem about not giving a fuck. It’s about being who you are now, and who you want to be, not who you think others want you to be. I don’t want to talk about it too much because I want anyone who reads it to have their own takeaways from it, but I couldn’t find it online…. maybe I’ll read it out loud and post it <insert thinking face emoji> that’s how much I want you to read it…. probably not though.

 

At one point, I thought that when I had kids of my own, I would try to make sure that they grew up with a strong foundation in truth and rational thinking. Maybe I wouldn’t tell them about Santa Claus, or about the Tooth Fairy, or other (potentially) made up things. The more I thought about it, the more I thought what an injustice that would be. For me personally growing up, my imagination enriched my life. The world was more exciting when you could create your own.

Denying that at a young age won’t make the kid any smarter or logical, that’s what growing up is for. What it may do is stifle creative processes and development. (Coincidentally, I started this draft long before I read the following; this is me picking up where I left off, and it just happened to fit perfectly). For my Child Life class, I just read about how important play is for development. It’s away for kids to experiment and problem-solve in ways they can understand and control, in their own “language.” There was a quote from the textbook that I really liked that described play as figuring out “[h]ow close to reality can I portray the separation experience before I feel anxious” (Thompson et al, 148). The separation experience referring to actually parent-child separation in hospitals, but also being representative of any real world dilemma that a child faces. In other words, play is a form of acting out problems, that spares the child the need to directly confront the psychological burden of the actual problem.

Different developmental theorists have different opinions on what play should look like, or whether or not it is beneficial, but it seems like much of the research points to it being a good thing intellectually and psychologically (especially with guidance). And there’s evidence that the ability to suspend reality may be an important part of that.

So I’ll let my kid be a kid, and I’ll probably join in on the fantasies with her. And to be honest, I think we all could probably use a lil more unreality in our lives.

 

 

Thompson, R. H. (2018). The handbook of child life: A guide for pediatric psychosocial care. Charles C Thomas Publisher.

The day I was *supposed* to get the call from USC after my interview I was at work. I was nervous. My phone ring was set to loud, but even so I couldn’t help but check it every few minutes to make sure I didn’t miss anything. That afternoon, while I was roaming the floors of the museum, I saw a bit of trash on the ground. It was a small strip of white paper. I bent over to pick it up and realized it was a fortune cookie fortune. It read, “A dream you have will come true soon.” Being in the state of mind I was in, I naturally took this as a super good omen. I became so confident that I was going to get the call on that day. Five o’clock came and went, and still nothing. To clear my head, and perhaps in a desperate hope that I would still get a call, sparing me the inevitable inquiry-turned-pity by my family, I decided to walk home. But as surely as the sun rose and set, so had my spirit. A week later I got the email that I had been placed on the “alternative” list. Even so, I held on to that little strip of paper, despite it’s betrayal, as if it was the last sliver of hope I had for acceptance.

Days, weeks, months passed and the only news hitting my inbox was rejections. Eventually, I resigned to the fact that medical school wasn’t going to happen for me this year. I edited and submitted my re-application and I started planning out my year. One of my mentors and friends had suggested to me getting my certification as a child life specialist. It sounded interesting and after looking into the coursework required I thought it would be good fit for me and I decided to go for it. I am currently enrolled in my first of 5 classes.

I also applied to work visit and work with an organization I heard about earlier this spring called Health in Harmony. The work of this organization is really amazing. They are working currently working to reduce deforestation in Borneo by increasing access and quality of healthcare to the local communities, and they have been wildly successful. The numbers that they are reporting for both conservation and health are almost unbelievable. The solutions being applied by Health in Harmony is exactly the type of problem-solving I think our world needs RIGHT NOW. About two weeks ago now they reached out to me approving a visit for next summer to work in their clinic in Borneo.

All the while I’ve continued my work with the Museum of Exploration and Innovation (MOXI) and Doctors Without Walls (DWW). I plan to continue volunteering with DWW throughout the year, though I am no longer the Companion Care Coordinator. With MOXI I’ve been planning a departure pending alternative employment, but I still want to volunteer with them every once in a while (all the fun of working there, without the responsibility of being a paid employee).

Last Friday, at 10:05 AM I received a call while going through my morning routine. It was a 323 number which I recognized as an LA number. Everytime I would see LA area codes my heart would jump a little bit, in hopes it would be some medical school admissions person. However, I have been conditioned by telemarketers and scam callers not to answer any foreign numbers regardless of area code, so I let it ring. Minutes later I got a voicemail notification. Scammers leave messages too though, so my expectations were stilled tempered. I started to the voicemail legitimately expecting the ol’ ~~YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER HAS BEEN REVEALED TO EVERYONE IN THE WORLD TYPE IN NOW TO KEEP YOU SAFE~~. It was the dean of Keck asking me to call her back… I wasn’t sure what to think. I doubt she would call me at this point to tell me to give up hope, but you never know, my mind wanted to prepare me for maximum emotional pain, even though I had every right to assume good news. I watched an episode of Seven Deadly Sins on Netflix (in Spanish, another thing I’m trying to do this year) to mentally prepare myself and as to not cause suspicion that I ignored her call on purpose.

She began with expected pleasantries, and then went to say that there has been no movement on the waitlist, but assuring me that if a seat opened up that she would offer it to me. In that moment I was disheartened, but still hopeful; she wouldn’t call me just to tell me that. Then it came, she offered me a seat in next year’s class. It took every ounce of my will not to immediately accept it right then and there. And maybe a more confident me would have, but I was partially in disbelief and partially skeptical. Thankfully, she didn’t put me on the spot and asked me to get back to her once I had made my decision.

My mind was pretty much made up, but I felt like it wasn’t culturally acceptable to just say yes to such something so important to me without any deliberation. I wanted to be sure. It didn’t take much though. I mean this worked out pretty much perfectly. I was secured a spot for medical school without having to worry about going through another round of secondaries and interviews, and all the anxiety that comes with it, all while being able to maintain the plans I had already made for the coming year. I eagerly called her back the following Monday and accepted the offer.

If you’ve been following my recent posts you know I’m not a huge believer in destiny or higher powers determining our fate, but some of this stuff gets me thinking. I know all likelihood says that the whole thing with the fortune cookie fortune that picked-up is pure coincidence, but what are the chances that I would pick-up a fortune with that message (granted many fortunes say similar things, but they also say many, many other things), on the day I was expecting to get news from specific school, and then months later, getting in to that specific school (Keck of all places).

I recently rediscovered that prophetic fortune. It actually reads, A dream of yours will come true. That’s it. I had been misquoting it this whole time… the soon was all in my head. Funny how that works. I imposed my own timeline on this stupid piece of paper, and it decided to teach me a lesson. Even if it had said soon, that means next to nothing. My insecurity not only inserted that word, but assumed that it meant within the week or sooner. I know this all sounds silly, and it is, but it’s fun to think about. I don’t actually believe universe was trying to communicate to me through garbage…or do I?

Whatever the case, this is all a good reminder that the world doesn’t stop when things don’t go the way I expect and to be thankful for the good^TM, and learn from bad^TM . Just gotta keep moving and fighting on 😉 . I am thankful to everyone who supported me throughout all of this, and if you’ve made it this far chances are you are one of them. None of this would be possible without you. Sorry if this (whole thing) is cheesy, but I gotta put somewhere.

<3NV