I tried counseling for the first time this past week. My motivation for doing so wasn’t very clear to me; partially out of curiosity, partially out of “might as well,” partially out of “I actually have things I want to talk about, but don’t feel comfortable having a conversation about some of those certain things with people who are in anyway close to me.” During my appointment, while I did feel like it was a judgement-free zone, I found myself still not being completely honest or like I wasn’t representing myself properly; like I was more ok than I actually am. Not to say I’m in any sort of crisis, it’s just that when I was hearing some of the things I was saying as they were coming out of my mouth there were moments where I thought to myself, Why are you even here? But I think that’s the mental health stigma talking.
Based on some of the things I said, the psychologist asked me about ADHD and whether or not I felt like I had it, and seemed to indicate that it could be a factor contributing to my current situation. I’ve always thought it was possible, but I also don’t know how I feel about labelling it with a diagnosis. It’s not that I don’t want to be labelled by a “disease” or “condition,” its that if I do have ADHD, I don’t see it as something to be fixed or cured, at least for me. This is just how I am and how I’ve always been, and as much as it has affected me negatively I think it has also helped me. Though perhaps I’m misguided thinking that that is going to be her approach. Her being expert, I’m sure I’m not her first patient who is like this and who has benefitted from counseling.